Have you ever done something that was stupid, but you kind of denied that you did anything at all, and so the effects grow beyond your initial reach? That's how I feel right now, although that sounds all hokey and ethereal and not concrete. My midwife called me last night to let me know that after running my hemoglobin A1C, a test to determine how my body has been processing glucose over time, I am officially diabetic. As in not just gestationally diabetic, but real-live, need-insulin diabetic. I'm so thoroughly bummed I can't begin to describe the depression that has settled over me. I am depressed because I know it's my fault, and I feel so stupid for being all talk and not enough follow-through in terms of dieting and lifestyle changes. I kept telling myself that if I ever got pregnant again, I'd do it right. Well, now I have no choice, and technically speaking, this puts my baby at risk. I am 86 lbs overweight and have continued to make poor food choices over the last few months, even before getting pregnant, and I was basically in denial that anything bad would happen. I know that diabetes is not the end of the world, and I should be very grateful that we caught it this early so that I can get on insulin and regulate my sugars for the health of myself and the baby, but I'm still so saddened by my lack of caring for the wonderful body God has given me. I pray that He would sustain me and help give me the willpower that I have lacked, and that meeting with my dietitian will give me the tools I need to continue making proper choices for this pregnancy. And for those of you who feel led to join me in this prayer, I am really hoping to still be able to have my VBAC. Being diabetic automatically makes me high-risk, and so there is a small chance that I may have to switch care to one of the OBs at my midwife's practice, and she told me that if that happens, my chances of a vaginal birth will decrease, which frustrates me all over again. Anyway, this has been weighing very heavily on me since yesterday, and I haven't been in the best of moods with my family, I'm sad to admit as well, so please just pray that I can do what I need to and be encouraged instead of discouraged.