Monday, February 16, 2009

Letters to Myself, Part 2

Today is the 2nd installment of my Letters to Myself series. To see the first letter, click here.

Dear 15-year old Misty,
You are in high school now, and it's not all you'd thought it was going to be, eh? (You're going to have a professor in college who will forever embed "eh" in your vocabulary, just FYI.) You won't automatically get a boyfriend, get a car, and get thinner when you're 16 either. Just sayin'. You're in the process of trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be. It's hard at times, and you will second-guess yourself a lot. But please, don't obsess over the ridiculous.

You've already figured out you don't want to be in the "in" crowd, but don't allow that to become pride and a sense of know-it-all; it pushes people away. Gilia's boyfriend is going to tell you when you graduate that he knew a couple of guys who would have asked you out, but they knew you'd say no so didn't bother. Don't let that kind of wall build up around you all the time. I know it feels safer that way, and in some ways, I guess it is, but don't forget to trust. You're going to need lots of practice, and starting younger sure would make my life easier!

Speaking of boyfriends, you're not going to have one in high school at all. But you're still going to go to prom with a huge group of friends , (Bet will be your "date") and you will have a blast, stay pure, and not get into any trouble. And you'll actually remember it, which I hear is a good thing.

Please don't get so caught up in external values for your worth. You do not equal who your friends are, what clothes you wear, how thin you are, or even how smart you are. And yes, you are smart, except in math, and that sure doesn't change. But you have already learned to use words as a weapon, as a way to not feel so vulnerable, and even when you hurl insults at others and it feels good momentarily, you feel worse inside. This is going to take you a while to figure out; you do, after all, have justifiable hurts that lie deep beneath the surface. I wish you believed that God loves you. You tell people He does, but you don't truly trust that yet. I wish you were beyond being just good to being a child of His; there is a difference.

I also want to know that it's ok to be confused about things right now, about family, future, and God. There will not always be straightforward answers, and you're going to realize soon how much of a control freak you are, and how much you thrive on knowing things and having it all together. But you don't. He does. He has a plan for you, including your past, all headed for your future. He is good, even though it doesn't feel like it. And start opening up your ears when you hear the word grace: it's fixing to knock your socks off!

Here are the tips I'm going to leave until the next time I write:
1. Try a little harder at math; it could make your college experience a tad better.
2. Stop obsessing about your weight. You're actually a very normal size, and you will long to wear a size 8 later.
3. Stop trying to compete with Bet. You will each come into your own and you'll survive.
4. Don't alienate Kathy now. She needs you and Bet more than ever.
5. Don't be mad at Mama and how much she's affected by what's happening to Michael right now. You'll understand a little better later.
6. Get a job. Save some money.
7. Don't expect grades to always come so easily. They won't.
8. Sing more.
9. Play a sport or spend time outside. It really is good for you!
10. Cooking dinner isn't that bad; when you are a wife, you will be so grateful you know how to cook!
11. You really should research more college grant applications. You are going to owe a lot of student loans.
12. You will get kissed, I promise.
13. This will be strange to you, but Gilia and Sonny are going to be the only HS friends you keep up with. But treasuring your new-found sense of identity while still being moldable will become important with friends in the next season of your life.
14. You are going to grow a lot in the next few years (read: have some really, really tough times), but go with it. Seriously.
15. Love yourself more. Quit procrastinating. Quit self-deprecating. Quit cheating yourself of the self-love you deserve.

Love
Your 28-year old self
p.s. I'll write again when you're 20

3 comments:

Knittingloca said...

Misty, there is no way to express how beautiful and intimate these letters are. You are an incredible writer!

misti said...

You're a great writer...very expressive. I nearly feel like I know you just from reading.

Hang in there (about the nutrition stuff). I'm not surprised your RD didn't tell you anything you weren't aware of already! You always have me if you do have questions though :)

Enlightened! said...

Hunny,

You are so amazing and what a beautiful way for you to express yourself and work out many of the wrinkles from your past!

I am more than proud of you for the woman that you are and the woman that you desire to be. I love you, I treasure you, and I thank you for not running from your past all this time.

It has made you the mother, the wife, the lover, and the best friend that you are today.

And I certainly wouldn't have you any other way.

I love you, my heart.

Rickey