Happy Birthday, Bear!

It's amazing what having children does, and how it prolifically changes every aspect of one's life. Giving birth was watching a miracle as well as letting go of my need to be in control since the birth process didn't happen the way I wanted it to go. But I'd say I'm 100% healed from my C-section, and bringing home Bear* has brought true joy into my home. While Hunny and I are still trying to figure out what parenthood means, we love Bear more than we could have imagined.
Now that he is one month old, it feels as if we've been doing this forever, but I also can't believe it's been four whole weeks. We're nowhere near perfect--never will be, and I confess I'm still trying to be self-reliant. When Bear looks up at me with his dark blue eyes, and I stroke his soft hair when he's feeding, I am amazed at what grace is. This little baby has done nothing in the world to be born, or to earn my love, and yet I love him so much I'd die for him... I'm beginning to get a better picture of my own Savior's sacrifice for me. I'm so grateful that Bear is alive, well, and in my life. [* names changed to keep in line with my blog]

Man, I wrote that journal entry a little less than two years ago, and I'm struck by several things: first, on a reminiscent note, I'd forgotten that his hair was the softest, silkiest hair imaginable! He had so much of it, too, still does, only now it's a lighter brown and so curly (who knew he'd have Curly Sue locks?). I also have to somewhat laugh at my sense of begrudging letting go of control--I was so mad that I ended up with an induced-labor-turned-cesaeraian! Little did I know that I would get pregnant much sooner than later (we found out when I was 9 months post partum that we'd expect another one) and that I'd get to have the natural, drug-free birth I'd so desperately wanted with Bear, and let me just say I was totally out of control! Letting go, though, is indeed still an issue for me as a parent. I want to do everything perfectly. I want to be a great (the best?) mom, and sometimes that is my idol. It's too easy to play at being God, and not BE Godly, when you are a mom (and especially a recovering perfectionist), isn't it? I know that just recently I called a friend to complain about what a rough morning I was having, and the sweet advice I got on the other end was to sing "This is the day that the Lord has made... Rejoice and be glad in it." Our Creator has made each and every day, and it is by His grace and doing that we are alive and blessed. In control I am not, yet He has given me charge over two little boys, to raise and teach and protect. On today, Bear's birthday, the reminder of Whose he is ever present in my mind, and I'm glad God has given me a chance to experience the awesome grace that being a mommy is!

My Slideshow 7/15/08